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NaPoWriMo: 16

16 Apr

When I realised I had stared at the title line for a good five minutes, blankly, I moved on. Thus, its plain and unadorned sparseness.

Thank goodness for Miz Q’s prompt which requires more playing than creating from naught. I have had a poem for some time that I want to work, but can’t seem to crack. Miz Q asks for the original and a new version based on different, considered, line breaks. She asks for tweaking, too, but that’s beyond the jelly head, right now. What I have is the same poem, different line breaks. I realise that this does not help me crack the poem. I told you, even a tenuous connection works for me.

Well, that’s what I get for tempting fate. I opened the poem in Wordpad, prepared to copy and one feeble strand of thought wavered and said, You know. You could… Thirty minutes later, I do have a different version. They are in order from oldest to newest. If you have feeble strands of thought still rearing their heads, feel free to jump in.

Bully

Mud sticks
leaves its mark
like a rock thrown
by a schoolyard bully.

Rocks hurt
leave bruises
like the  ink
from a poison pen
dripping its
corrosive acid
through the paper,
the cyber ambush
spreading
through the web,
the heart
of the person hit,
the mind
of the schoolyard bully
skulking,
a shadow
too cowardly
to stand
in the light
and throw the rock.

Words hurt
leave their mark
like the rock thrown
by the schoolyard bully.

___________

Mud sticks, leaves its mark
like a rock thrown by a schoolyard bully.

Rocks hurt, leave bruises
like the  ink from a poison pen
dripping its corrosive acid

through the paper, the cyber
ambush spreading through the web,
the heart of the person hit,

the mind of the schoolyard bully
skulking, a shadow
too cowardly to stand in the light.

Words hurt, leave their mark
like the rock thrown by the schoolyard bully.

________________

A cyber ambush spreads through the web,
leaves its mark, bruises like the  ink
from a poison pen dripping its corrosive

acid through paper, the heart of the person
hit. The schoolyard bully skulks, a shadow
too cowardly to stand in the light, throws

rocks,  leaves marks, bruises like small
thunderclouds. Words hurt,

like the rock thrown by a schoolyard bully,
leave their mark
___________________

The schoolyard bully skulks, a shadow
too cowardly to stand in the light, throws

rocks,  leaves marks, bruises like small
thunderclouds. A cyber ambush spreads

through the web, leaves its mark, bruises
like the  ink from a poison pen dripping

its corrosive acid through paper, the heart
of the person hit. Words hurt, leave their mark.

This is me: I am going to crawl away into a corner. Until tomorrow.

 

 
20 Comments

Posted by on 16/04/2013 in exercises, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , ,

20 responses to “NaPoWriMo: 16

  1. Misky

    16/04/2013 at 11:59 am

    Gosh, what an amazing difference those line break make to your poem. The new version is much more urgent. Thumbs up, Queenie Dragon.

     
  2. Carol Carlisle

    16/04/2013 at 12:19 pm

    I once asked a writer friend what’s the difference between poetry and prose and she answered “line breaks” You certainly proved that. I want a jelly head like yours if this what comes out of it 🙂

     
    • margo roby

      16/04/2013 at 12:22 pm

      Carol, playing with line breaks is one of my favourite occupations. It’s free and it doesn’t hurt! I’ll consider partial custody of the head 😉

       
    • Carol Carlisle

      16/04/2013 at 1:42 pm

      all I have to
      say to that
      is
      😀 😀 😀
      😉
      tanx

       
  3. viv blake

    16/04/2013 at 12:23 pm

    Don’t crawl into the corner, stride onto centre stage and take a bow. Bravo, it got better and better and best.

     
    • margo roby

      16/04/2013 at 12:36 pm

      Stride? Stride!? It’s a nice thought. I wonder if I can summon the energy. Thank you, ViV. I perked up with your comment.

       
  4. julespaigej

    16/04/2013 at 12:26 pm

    I actually think it makes a fitting tribute to the events that unfolded in Boston.
    Bullies in shadows. Hurting leaving very nasty marks.

     
    • margo roby

      16/04/2013 at 12:35 pm

      The thought did cross my mind as I reread it, Jules.

       
  5. Pamela

    16/04/2013 at 1:18 pm

    Margo, when I read these the Boston tragedy did come to mind. I like the how each does change its nuance with the line breaks. I am with Viv, you certainly don’t need to crawl away to a corner. That is just a silly thing to say.

    Pamela

     
    • margo roby

      16/04/2013 at 1:25 pm

      Pamela, The crawling away is my dead brain. See, I wasn’t clear 😉

      I find line breaks endlessly fascinating.

      margo

       
  6. Elizabeth

    16/04/2013 at 3:29 pm

    Mostly unaware, didn’t realize that the majority of the tweaking I do has to do with line breaks. Miz Q is certainly doing a fine job on our awareness factor. I also admire your fortitude, but you make the lesson clear, the line breaks make all kinds of difference. I might join you in that corner, but then we’d feel obligated to talk and that makes me think a nap might be better,

    Elizabeth
    http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/brief-line-lesson/

     
    • margo roby

      16/04/2013 at 4:09 pm

      Right now, Elizabeth, fortitude would require creating a new poem. Line breaks I can play with any time. I agree that I like the way some of Miz Q’s prompts allow for specific awarenesses.

      I never feel obligated to talk, so no problem there. However, nap away. I’m mainlining caffeine.

      margo

       
  7. Stan Ski

    16/04/2013 at 6:16 pm

    Tomorrow sounds like a good day for revenge…

     
  8. markwindham

    16/04/2013 at 8:37 pm

    I like the second…and the evolution to the fourth, especially that ending.

    day 16 just for you… http://wp.me/p1ZKiY-2O2

     
    • margo roby

      17/04/2013 at 11:31 am

      Evolutions are probably the reason I don’t get poems done very fast!

      I have just been over: 😀

       
  9. rosross

    16/04/2013 at 10:58 pm

    I like the first one but much food for thought.

     
    • margo roby

      17/04/2013 at 11:32 am

      I have lived with this a long time, Ros. Editors don’t like it, so I keep shifting and playing. I like the first one, too.

       
  10. Sharp Little Pencil

    21/04/2013 at 4:00 pm

    Margo, I like the second, with its repeated refrain at top and ending. This is a potent subject, and I’m glad you wrote on it. I was bullied in school for being short, for being a head-in-the-clouds girl who still pulled good grades. But I also stepped right in between a little guy and a football player in high school and ripped the big guy a new one for “showing he’s still on the playground.”

    Great subject. All good, but there’s my preference! Amy

     
    • margo roby

      21/04/2013 at 4:03 pm

      Amy, your preferences are always noted. Thank you.

       

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