RSS

Memory Disguised: For The Sunday Whirl

24 Mar

So nice when the mind cooperates. I fully expect it to shut down again, but am happy to take what I get, meanwhile. The poem began writing itself as I copied down the words. I’m trying to place the words in groupings and my brain is saying: disguised mind, disguised tree, when she was young… I barely got the list down and started writing the first draft.

pulled for revision

 
43 Comments

Posted by on 24/03/2013 in exercises, poetry, writing

 

Tags: ,

43 responses to “Memory Disguised: For The Sunday Whirl

  1. Marianne

    24/03/2013 at 10:22 am

    Love your first draft, Margo! It’s a bittersweet piece. Isn’t it wonderful when the words come so quickly.

     
  2. barbara_y

    24/03/2013 at 10:32 am

    I think #1, but. First glance, I didn’t realize it was two versions, and I thought you had brought that first verse around again as a sort of refrain, and that seemed right. You wouldn’t want to do that with such a short piece as it really is, but if it gets longer in revision, you might look in that direction.

    “Now” and “as she grew”. Seem to not agree?

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 10:40 am

      Barbara, that’s one reason I removed the ‘now’ from the second. I think in the first I was seeing ‘now’ as a counterpoint to ‘when’. ‘Now’ meaning these days. If you think that’s not needed, I’ll jettison the sucker.

       
    • viv blake

      24/03/2013 at 10:53 am

      that’s exactly how I read it. Life’s experiences so frequently go full circle that it didn’t surprise me that you wrote it like that. Now that I know it’s two drafts, I’m almost disappointed!

       
      • margo roby

        24/03/2013 at 10:59 am

        Now that I know you and Babara read it that way initially, I am curious enough to go back and play with it. I love bookend poems. Even short, if I tweal it, it could work.

         
  3. magicalmysticalteacher

    24/03/2013 at 11:18 am

    I’m with two of the others here (Viv and Barbara Y): I thought I was reading one long poem. Just take out that explanatory sentence in the middle and you have a perfect whole!

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 11:22 am

      As you write, I am applying the suggestion and I like it!

       
  4. Houston Roby

    24/03/2013 at 11:37 am

    I cast a vote for version 2 as it seems more dynamic to me, and I like ending with her going back to youth. But it’s an interesting idea to turn the two drafts into one poem that doubles back on itself, Mobius-like, mirroring the dichotomy of old and young in her mind.

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 12:44 pm

      If I play up the dichotomy the doubling back can become that endless loop. This is going to be fun to play with.

       
  5. 1sojournal

    24/03/2013 at 12:34 pm

    I like the first version, maybe because I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Although the poem is short for a repeat, I think the first five lines of the second version would work quite well.

    Elizabeth
    http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 12:46 pm

      I’m practically wriggling with excitement. In fact, my mind is. I love playing (revising) and everyone who stops by gives me so much to play with. I hadn’t thought about you own doubling back, Elizabeth. I may go in and reread your posts.

      margo

       
  6. julespaige

    24/03/2013 at 12:47 pm

    I liked it as one long poem. Though if you ‘bookended’ it you could almost repeat in reverse the last verse. Does that make sense?

    Cheers. Thanks for your visit. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish that wordle story…it just keeps going….

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 12:48 pm

      Scary, Jules, the way our minds are aligned. I did exactly that in my redrafting.

       
  7. Sabra Bowers

    24/03/2013 at 12:48 pm

    I see two versions…not one poem. I do vote for getting rid of now in the first version. Fun to see the idea both ways.

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you, Sabra. I have about nine versions, at the moment! I love it when people give me ideas to play with.

       
  8. Stan Ski

    24/03/2013 at 2:43 pm

    I often see which order the lines work best in before settling for the one that sounds best to me…

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 3:52 pm

      Stan, I do too, but sometimes my mind dithers and I love hearing from people. they often start me on new possibilities.

       
  9. teri

    24/03/2013 at 2:53 pm

    Hey Margo- I read this first thing this morning (your posts come through my email- so I am lurking lots even if you don’t hear from me- that should be such a comfort.). At that early hour I felt more aligned with the perspective of the “second” bit. I see that you have had enough comments to jostle your journey. I will be intrigued where it takes this poem. I really love, running, running, running. xo teri thanks for stopping by-:-)

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 3:55 pm

      The picture of us lurking at each other’s blogs is hilarious, Teri. My son, who was moved to comment, will be happy with your call. At the moment, I’m pretty much with the second version and, as I shift and reshift, I’m finding I might not change anything!

       
  10. angie werren

    24/03/2013 at 3:07 pm

    I am partial to the first version… but the bookend thing is exciting, too.

    but (I hope you don’t mind) in both versions the “mind was as sand” bothers me. I would go with just “sand,” and drop the “as” — “her mind was sand.” and jumping off barb’s comment, I would drop the “as she grew old” and just keep “now…” — “now her mind was sand…”

    hope you don’t mind. I tend to pare down poems to next to nothing. πŸ˜‰

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 3:58 pm

      Angie, I never mind. In fact I encourage discussion of my poems. They open so many windows and doors for me. I love the sound of your suggestion and am heading for the draft now.

       
  11. seingraham

    24/03/2013 at 4:49 pm

    I’m partial to the book-end idea…what a shock – I like the longer version! Otherwise I like the first better but might tweak it a little if it was going to be my one and only…in either case, it’s a wonderful poem.

    http://nsaynne.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/if-i-if-you/

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 5:27 pm

      Thank you, Sharon. Your comment on bookends has me grinning.

       
  12. markwindham

    24/03/2013 at 4:57 pm

    1st, kudos for ‘jar’ as a verb. Once I read a word as one form or another it is kind of stuck that way, sticks out when used differently. I like the second better when looking at them independently, but the bookend idea has merit…

     
    • margo roby

      24/03/2013 at 5:30 pm

      I called it right. The second. So far, I have made one line break change in the second and made the first stanza present tense. Thank you for noticing the verb! I wanted to use wound as wound — as in tighter than. Didn’t work.

       
  13. Irene

    24/03/2013 at 9:36 pm

    Like the idea of “forgotten country”…those two words stuck together for me as well. Don’t let your muse shut down for April!

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 10:06 am

      I’m working on it, Irene. I may wander between Barbara and Joseph. Plus, I’ll be posting my Pulitzer remix poems every day, but on a different site.

       
  14. Veronica Roth

    25/03/2013 at 12:28 am

    Gosh, I read it as one poem and loved it and didn’t realise you wrote two versions till the first comment. What am I like? πŸ™‚ Well, for me it works as one mirroring poem.

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 10:07 am

      That’s so funny, Veronica. I’ll need to bold my prose line next time! So many people read it as one.

       
  15. oldegg

    25/03/2013 at 1:21 am

    It was a delight to read, to savor the emotion as the years rolled way and her mind drifted like the sand.

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 10:11 am

      Thank you, oldegg (Robin?). I’m beginning to have some sand drifts of my own and, as I watch my mother, I am fascinated by the way memory works.

       
  16. brenda w

    25/03/2013 at 7:35 am

    Like others, I read it as one piece. It works beautifully, Margo. repetition, but slightly “off.” It’s nice to see you whirling again. Tree and sand…. I like the mind as tree, but understand thoughts as sand too well…. πŸ™‚

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 10:12 am

      Brenda, I watch my mother’s mind as sand begins to trickle and see the fore-running of grains in myself. I can’t tell you how good it feels when I can take my place at The Whirl πŸ™‚

       
  17. Mr. Walker

    25/03/2013 at 9:17 am

    Margo, reading your poems in my email made me go back to my own before I posted it. I have to thank you for using jar as a verb in your poem; it led me to do the same in my own. I like your second version. I get caught up in the running and sand images, and then that short second stanza pulls me up short – such a great contrast.

    Richard

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 10:15 am

      Thank you, Richard. That’s what I needed, the why it is I favour the second stanza. I knew I liked the sand running, but had not thought about the effect of the second stanza, other than to feel it is right where it is. It is the pulling up short, the reminder that we remember how we were and not to feel we have always been as we are.

      margo

       
  18. Pamela

    25/03/2013 at 1:08 pm

    I favour the first one, but the bookend idea is very intriguing, Margo. Tell me is this your “new” look or another blog? It is quite nice either way.

    Pamela

     
    • margo roby

      25/03/2013 at 4:29 pm

      Why, thank you! New look. I love my other one but I wanted bright and open, at least for a while. My favourite theme is one of the paid ones 😦

       
  19. Cathy

    25/03/2013 at 3:01 pm

    I like the first one, just have a better feel to it.

     
  20. annell4

    27/03/2013 at 12:24 pm

    To know the mind is the challenge…a tree…sand….nice write!

     
    • margo roby

      27/03/2013 at 12:38 pm

      Thank you, annell. Staying with my mother for a month every year has allowed me to watch exactly what happens as we age. This summer I’m going to tell her she has provided me with rich source material. She’ll laugh.

       
  21. purplepeninportland

    28/03/2013 at 11:00 pm

    `her mind disguised itself as a tree’ What a rich sounding phrase. Loved them both!

     
    • margo roby

      29/03/2013 at 8:55 am

      Thank you, Sara. I like the image myself!

       

Join the discussion and feel free to critique, or suggest an idea for any poem I post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: