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Poem for Wordling Whirl # 7

06 Jun

Happy Monday dear regulars. What can I say? I have another poem in response to a wordling whirl of Sundays and that is why I am in your inbox, or your feed. Brenda has a gift for picking word combinations and, after some thrashing about, I have an almost ghazal…my first, so I am chuffed. Here are the words:

and the poem:

Pulled for revision.

If anyone’s brain thinks: “Oooh! She could have…” please tell me. I appreciate all critiques/suggestions/ideas. And, if you want to see what others have done with these words, do visit.

I shall see you all tomorrow for playing with diamantes; Thursday, for what should be the last of the fluff words; and Friday, for our roundup of fun things to do with writing poems.

 
36 Comments

Posted by on 06/06/2011 in exercises, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

36 responses to “Poem for Wordling Whirl # 7

  1. vivinfrance

    06/06/2011 at 8:27 am

    Margo, your wordle ghazal reads beautifully aloud, and the theme is fascinating. The only thing that gave me pause was the “no light” – I suppose because of the double negative. “unafraid of lack of light” perhaps?

     
  2. margo roby

    06/06/2011 at 9:14 am

    Thanks, Viv. That line gave me pause to, but I didn’t like the sound of “lack” here. I’ll work on it. There must be a way. And I may go with your suggestion because it scans better, too. Off to the dictionary!

     
  3. Marianne

    06/06/2011 at 10:11 am

    Bravo! I love your ghazal and the direction you took those lovely wordle words! So nice to meet you here.

     
    • margo roby

      06/06/2011 at 10:13 am

      Thank you, Marianne. Nice to meet you, as well. I did enjoy your purple poem.

       
  4. 1sojournal

    06/06/2011 at 11:03 am

    I stopped as well at unafraid of no light. Why not leave the abyss line as it is but instead of dropping it down to next line, use unafraid of extinguishing light. The abyss already suggests darkness and night. I’m not real familiar with the ghazal form, but the syllabics would still work. I do however like the feel of this piece, the sense of loss and hollowness that accompanies it. Terrific use of the wordle words.

    Elizabeth

     
    • margo roby

      06/06/2011 at 11:08 am

      Wonderful, Elizabeth. I like your suggestion and love the word extinguish. I shall revise the poem. I already feel happier about it.
      margo

       
  5. pamelasayers

    06/06/2011 at 11:04 am

    Well, I must say, oooh! This is quite good, Margo.

    Pamela

     
    • margo roby

      06/06/2011 at 11:09 am

      Thank you, Pamela! I must say I quite look forward to Sundays!
      margo

       
  6. anjum

    06/06/2011 at 1:56 pm

    Wonderful Ghazal ! and a dazzling theme-The Star! in boundless blackness floating-dying, yet personified when wrapping a shroud , forcing a question ‘why Death is Black and burning? ‘sucking’ reminds us of Christopher Marlowe’s Tragic Drama of Dr Faustus, in the last scene when ‘the soul of Dr Faustus is being sucked away by the Devil’ A fantastic image is created in the analogy of death with a Star as in the last moments of its disintegration a star bursts into a bright ball of fire and ‘seems to pull all light’ with it.
    A deep philosophy and a great idea put together superbly in form-a ghazal in Urdu I would say’
    ‘ik sitara mout ki azal roshni’ mei” ‘A Star in the Eternal Light of Death”
    maybe if you allow I will translate it all-

     
    • margo roby

      06/06/2011 at 2:00 pm

      I would love for you to translate it, Anjum. I like the translation: “a star in the eternal light of death”. Great analogy to Marlowe’s play, also!

       
  7. Mr. Walker

    06/06/2011 at 3:04 pm

    The scientist in me says: it’s about the formation of a black hole, so “unafraid of no light” works for me. I like the contrast of the title with the poem itself.

    Richard

     
  8. margo roby

    06/06/2011 at 3:10 pm

    Yep! I spent Sunday reading up on black holes. Found a great Discover blog on the topic. As I look at the line again I like the internal rhyme and the repetition of the n sound. I’ll leave it for a couple of days and come back and try the different possibilities. Thank you, Richard.

     
  9. Mike Patrick

    06/06/2011 at 4:52 pm

    Glad to see your response to Richard. I was beginning to thing you were an astronomer. Nicely done. Love the science.

     
    • margo roby

      06/06/2011 at 9:00 pm

      Thank you, Mike. I enjoy having science as a focus for poetry despite being a Liberal Arts scholar. And I am enjoying my venture into the stars. Two wordles have taken me there now.

       
  10. anjum

    06/06/2011 at 6:08 pm

    Dear Margo I present , with slight variations your lovely Ghazal-

    A star near Death, glows
    in gaudiness of purple light;
    wraps around itself a shroud
    sucking into it, enfolding
    spins itself into an abyss
    unafraid of no lights
    burrows into inky space
    no murmurs as the heart
    collapses, pulling light to
    transform and crash into
    myriads of shining meteorites.

     
  11. margo roby

    06/06/2011 at 9:03 pm

    Thank you, Anjum. I enjoyed reading your variation.

     
  12. annell Livingston

    07/06/2011 at 8:23 am

    I loved your write! Thank you.

     
  13. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 8:24 am

    Thank you, Annell!

     
  14. b_y

    07/06/2011 at 8:25 am

    Oh, this is sweet! Love the repetition.
    I really like the three verb stanzas–wind, wrap, spin
    ghazul is hard to pull off gracefully. ( well, impossible for me) you make it seem natural.
    (tossing in my penny’s worth on the “no light”‘ question , how about
    unafraid of the absence of light
    Not so pretty a word as extinguish, but closer to your meaning)

     
  15. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 9:07 am

    Why, thank you b _v! I have been trying to write a ghazal for years and could never wrap my brain around it. But I was determined. Now I know I can pull this much off, I shall try for a pure ghazal. My brain may not notice.
    I like your “no light” possibility. You are right, it is closer to what I am saying. Now I’m off to play with the poem some more. Thank you.
    margo

     
  16. anjum

    07/06/2011 at 10:33 am

    Translation of your poem in URDU
    (This is called Roman Urdu)
    Title:
    Ik Roshan Sitara Chamakta chala gaya

    Ik sitara qurb-e margg , tez kaasni roshni
    mei, aakhiri saanson mei, shokhi se
    khichta chala gaya

    afflaak ki kaali gehraayee mei, saffed kaffan ka
    perahan lapete, be’ khouff ghoomta ghoomta
    doobta chala gaya

    or jab dil chuur chuur, jism reza reza hua
    to nur ki pur kashish un ginnat kirnon mei
    jalta jalta, chala gaya.

     
    • ladynimue

      07/06/2011 at 12:06 pm

      gosh !! this was superb Anjum !! [ though i had to check few words of urdu online ]

       
  17. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 10:39 am

    Thank you, Anjum. It’s interesting to see what it looks like.

     
  18. ladynimue

    07/06/2011 at 12:04 pm

    First , this was stunning post !! the death of a star always has been a matter od sadness yet curiosity for me ! I remmeber always feeling the loss some where deep when ever I saw a documentry on this ..

    And then, this was very touching indeed.. the last line was just wow !

    Lastly, I am not sure but i read some where that ghazal should have a reference to the person writing it.. I mean the author must adress him/herself in the ghazal with name. I know this true for hindi/urdu ghazals i hear [ thats my native language you see]. Please check on that.

     
  19. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 12:42 pm

    Thank you for your kind words, Lady N.
    Re the ghazal form, that is why I said in my intro that this is almost a ghazal. In fact, in all the modern ghazals I have read, authors do not do this. The part I need to work on is the ghazal rhyme which comes before the key repeated word.
    Thank you for raising the question, in case I didn’t know. I appreciate it.

     
    • ladynimue

      07/06/2011 at 1:07 pm

      I forgot to mention that this is sure almost an ghazal .. And appreciate you working on the form .. I have not yet ventured into this .. Its a lot of concentration work and I am so bad at it .. I love all things short and playful 🙂

       
  20. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 1:23 pm

    Lady N: it took me years to persuade my brain that it can write a ghazal. I have lists of rhyming words waiting 🙂

    I have only a few short and playful forms, but you will see them. And when I have long hard forms, I try and break them up with different kinds of exercises.
    Did you see the cinquain week before last? That is short and playful. Tell me if not and I will give you the link 🙂

     
  21. Traci B

    07/06/2011 at 1:39 pm

    Poignant and powerful poem, Margo. I’d leave “no light” as is since it contrasts beautifully with “all light” at the end of the poem.

     
  22. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 1:41 pm

    Thank you, Traci. I had to go back and look at the poem. That makes a difference. I like the no light and all light. I appreciate the comment.

     
  23. margo roby

    07/06/2011 at 1:51 pm

    For all of you with your wonderful suggestions, thank you. I have notes of each in my notebook. For now, I have shifted some lines because of a point Traci made about the “no light” “all light”. I’m liking this better. These would be the last three stanzas:

    spins itself into an abyss
    no murmurs of light

    burrows into inky space —
    unafraid of no light

    a star’s heart collapses
    pulling with it all light.

     
  24. anjum

    07/06/2011 at 6:20 pm

    Great Work Margo, more ‘ghazals’ we would like-this one was special because the title was the same as the meaning of my name- do I see a Twin with a prank somewhere or… I strongly believe in the LOA -it works.

     
  25. brenda w

    09/06/2011 at 7:55 pm

    Margo, I love this piece. You mastered the ghazal form, well. The repetition of light came naturally to the piece. That’s quite an accomplishment. Brava! Thanks for the mention in your post about prompts. I certainly appreciate it.

    It’s possible I’ll move the Sunday Whirl over to WordPress. I’m getting disgusted with blogger. It won’t take the Mr. Linky code, and I’m at a loss. Anyway, I’ll make an announcement if I make the move. I’m so glad your playing with the wordles. You polish them to a shine!

     
    • margo roby

      09/06/2011 at 8:27 pm

      Thank you, Brenda, but I couldn’t do it without your wonderful word combinations. That’s its own kind of talent and a great gift for us that you pick so well.

      Come on over! WordPress is a joy. There is so much more you can do with the blog and the support team is wonderful as is the extensive help section.
      margo

       
  26. Henry Clemmons

    09/06/2011 at 7:55 pm

    Excellente. Great write, the symbolism was pitch perfect. Yu are vry talented.

    http://henryclemmonspoet.blogspot.com/2011/06/inky-spin-wordle-7.html

     
    • margo roby

      09/06/2011 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you kindly, Henry. I am enjoying Brenda’s word choices for us.

       

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