removed for revision
Posted by margo roby on 06/07/2011 in exercises, poetry, writing
Tags: poem, poems, poetry, prompts, revision, We Write Poems, Writing Exercises
06/07/2011 at 3:10 pm
I like the list and I like this poem.
06/07/2011 at 3:23 pm
Thank you Tilly Bud. I enjoyed coming up with the list and I always like the revision process!
06/07/2011 at 3:20 pm
Margo, a very interesting writing process. I like the repetition, which is not an easy thing to pull off, and make work. I love the imagery in the poem.
06/07/2011 at 3:25 pm
You should see my notebooks, Pamela! Arrows and notes to self all over the place. Thank you re the imagery, not usually my strong point, but I knew where I was headed here.
06/07/2011 at 6:35 pm
Margo, the line breaks make the poem I thought, because it determines the breath of a story, and rhythm like breathing is so important. Thanks for sharing with us the revision process. Interesting!
06/07/2011 at 7:14 pm
Thanks, Irene. Your comment on the lines is helpful. With this poem I wasn’t sure.
06/07/2011 at 7:54 pm
I really like the poem, so much going on here in the rhythm and sequence. However, I think if you changed the chronology a bit it would help. You begin with you, move to parents, then to grandmother. Sticking with human endeavor, I would then move to the Dead Sea Scrolls, and then to that bridge of bristlecone pines, and move on to the mammoth, the liviathon, and the elephant graveyard, to the fossils. And that is where I would suggest you break up the long lines to ever shorter ones that come back to you.
Older than fossils. Old mountains
whose bony spines and ridged flanks
lie sere and faded In the warmth
of the sun, waiting for me
to come home.
You are speaking of a call that is so deep it is carried in your bones, its beginning perhaps lost in the fog of the collective unconscious. So, take your reader back to that fog and echo, then bring them back home to you, where it is still being heard.
Margo, I apologize if I have gone too far by rearranging your poem. I really like this piece of writing and see so much depth and sense in it, that I couldn’t resist. Your word choice is perfect, and those line breaks really work to balance off the repeated phrase “Older than”, which is an echo that keeps moving back and back. Yet remains right here in the present. Love it.
06/07/2011 at 7:57 pm
Sorry, the quote should be “Old like,”. My eagerness is showing,
06/07/2011 at 8:14 pm
Elizabeth: Lol re eagerness.
And, I have no ego where my writing is concerned, at least, not when people are making suggestions, or rearranging. In fact I like it because it becomes my springboard. And I love both your suggestions and your rearranging. Am excited anew about the poem and the fact that you know exactly how I feel about these mountains.
I will send you the rewrite when I have it, as I will be pulling this in a couple of weeks. I understand where they are coming from but wish editors weren’t such sticklers about poems posted on blogs. Ah well.
I greatly appreciate this. Thank you.
06/07/2011 at 10:35 pm
It is really interesting to have a window into someone else’s writing process – thank you for sharing this with us! I think the poem works quite well.
07/07/2011 at 12:08 am
Thank you, tgr!
07/07/2011 at 2:44 am
Margo, I read the poem in a one-er, swept along in the pace and imagery – very successfully realised. Then I read it again in the light of your questions. Elizabeth’s suggestions about the chronology are excellent, but before I read them I had been going to suggest that the last line be indented, to accentuate the enjambment.
Do the line breaks work? YES – Do the line lengths work? YES Does the repetition work and then the break in repetition with “older than fossils”? THIS IS MOST EFFECTIVE, AND ACCENTUATES RATHER THAN BREAKS THE REPETITION>
And, anything else your mind suggests or queries. All is appreciated. ELIZABETH’S SUGGESTIONS RE CHRONOLOGY ARE EXCELLENT, BUT BEFORE I READ THEM I HAD BEEN GOING TO SUGGEST THAT THE LAST LINE BE INDENTED, TO ENHANCE THE ENJAMBMENT AND THE SATISFYING RESOLUTION OF THE POEM.
07/07/2011 at 2:49 am
bletherer that I am, I forgot to delete the last sentence of my first para, which my editor’s brain thought would be better placed with the rest of my answers to your questions.
07/07/2011 at 10:10 am
I love it. I am so glad someone else has an editor’s brain that does that, Viv. Makes me feel better about times I’ve done similar things.
Thank you for your enthusiasm on this! And you are absolutely right: the last line needs to be indented. As you read the comments you’ll know I’m not making the changes on site, but I am heading for my file now to make the change. I appreciate the feedback. It helps.
07/07/2011 at 10:24 am
This piece honors the ancient wisdom and power of mountains through a brilliant listing of comparisons. The commonality of experience resonates for me. I like the poem as it stands. Viv and Elizabeth have excellent ideas, too, and I think I’d like the poem just as well with their suggestions. The final call is yours. I appreciate that you engender discussion about your work, Margo. Your blog always fascinates me.
07/07/2011 at 12:02 pm
Brenda, it is I who appreciate that you all will discuss! Makes me want to put every poem up and say:Have at it! And, thank you for your words about my blog. Six months ago I had no idea how much fun I would have with it. And that’s because of all of you.
08/07/2011 at 11:10 am
I’m sorry, if I’m being dense, Margo, but I am not sure which is the draft. They both work, if in different ways. The colors in the first one did have me thinking there were live links, but it is tight with energy. The second has wonderful images that the other only hints at, though.
08/07/2011 at 1:54 pm
It’s not you. I looked back up at my pieces, Barb, and I wasn’t clear. The first one is the original. The colours were things I knew I wanted to change before I rewrote the poem. I should have included a key. That’s interesting what you say about the first one having energy. I’ll have to look at them both with that in mind. The images are what I revised the most.
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